i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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