That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
