I cockslap morals
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
