Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
