Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
