I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
