i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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