Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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