I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
