Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
