Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
