i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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