I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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