It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
