I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
