when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
