god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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