He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
