I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
