Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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