sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I pour the whiskey from now on
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
