Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
