Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
