You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
