i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
