Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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