I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
