Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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