I'll bet she douches with gravy.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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