if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
