Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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