Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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