Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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