so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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