peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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