I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
