Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
