Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
