What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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