I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
