You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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