Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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