I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
