My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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