I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize