I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
