I think im going to throw up on grandma
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
