some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
