some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
