I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
