Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
