Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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