i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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