So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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