A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
