There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
