I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We smell like vodka and hangover
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