I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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