Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
