nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
